The awful realization of year 23 of my life is that I am STILL chasing a Bachelor's degree. More specifically, I am chasing a bachelor's degree that I am no longer driven towards.
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I was 15 years old when I first volunteered at the VA hospital in Denver. It was there that I experienced the journeys of amputee veterans. As I delved into that world I simultaneously devoured
science classes in school,and was being treated by a physical therapist for sports injuries. It became clear to me that one day I wanted to work with amputee veterans on their physical therapy journey to recovered mobility and life experiences. I have been driven towards that goal since then. I enlisted in the U.S. Army for many more reasons than just that, but it certainly was a really wonderful perk to be able to be of better service to veterans one day because I will count as one as well.
Fast forward to 23 years old. My college career was first interrupted by a brutal incident in which I was stalked and assaulted. Needless to say-college was put on hold for two semesters while I recovered and found my way back to being myself. Then again my college journey was interrupted by my decision to enlist in the U.S. Army. I was out of school for just about an entire year for training across the country. Finally, most recently, I realized college is really expensive. While the Army pays for part of my schooling now, it does not deal with my previous student loans or other specific expenses moving forward. Being a first generation student whose parents have made it clear that I will achieve this by the sweat of my own brow, I had to take another semester off because I simply can't afford it. It is a good time to check in with my life, pay off some things, and assess the future.
This leads me to about where I am now- about a semester and a half away from a bachelor's degree that has been interrupted time and time again. What I was not anticipating is how much I have changed in the time between when I declared my major and now.
Between that time and now I have not only been through some hell and high water, but I have come out on the other side with a different world view, a honed passion for leadership, and new skills and experiences. I have done writing for magazines, journals, and websites on my life experiences. I developed new clerical and speaking skills in challenging civilian jobs, as well as new leadership and management skills as a now sergeant in the Army. I also did a few more pageants, continued modeling, and jumped back into competitive figure skating and other passions like becoming a certified diver.
All of these things have created, quite frankly, a different human being. The hardest parts about realizing I'm not passionate about my degree/ career choice anymore have been:
1) Realizing that that passion changed under my nose without much conscious acknowledgment because I was so busy, and 2) Knowing that that career goal is wonderful, worthy, and meaningful and therefore difficult to suddenly not feel driven towards.
The first part is simple enough. It is just difficult. I had become automatically, unthinkingly attached to (and sometimes identified by) that future career goal. While the ambition to change people's lives has not changed, the reality of the field in which I want to do that has changed. I have had to let go of a long-attached dream that helped me feel stable in my decisions when all of my peers were undecided. Essentially, I had to let go of the comfort that comes with being sure of a future path.
That second reason has bothered me extensively.Like I said, that career is in and of itself wonderful. I feel so guilty in not being driven towards it anymore. It feels like sudden betrayal of something about which there is nothing wrong. The reality is that it just isn't the right fit for me anymore.
So begins the journey of seeking out other possible career paths either within the same degree or perhaps outside of it. I still want to change people's lives, I still want to have some sort of involvement with veterans. For now I have settled for community service involving veterans.
I find great fulfillment and joy in leading teams as I have grown into in the last several years. I also adore sciences and research, and the academic side of science. The application of learned sciences in the real world though are proving to almost always be in environments or formats that I do not thrive in or enjoy at all. I love writing, speaking, advocacy, and complex social and political issues but do not wish to endeavor completely into journalism or politics.
I am, for lack of of better words, in limbo. I figure I am not the first or last person to have a struggle like this so I am throwing this story out there to let others know that, if they are like me, they are not alone in this weird situation. Likewise I wanted to share that career quizzes are actually very helpful, as cheesy or contrived as that might sound. So also are random internet articles about how degrees and jobs fields don't always line up:
So in this awkward journey of disillusionment, and panic I am realizing that it will be necessary to do more soul searching and hard work to figure out what's next. I suppose it is also exciting to realize how wide open your future really can be though when you step outside of your comfort zone. If anybody has tips, insight, or experience in this realm please feel free to reach out to me. I am all ears and anxious to make more progress in this journey.
In the meantime, thanks for reading and thanks for continued support and feedback!
Until next post!
Fast forward to 23 years old. My college career was first interrupted by a brutal incident in which I was stalked and assaulted. Needless to say-college was put on hold for two semesters while I recovered and found my way back to being myself. Then again my college journey was interrupted by my decision to enlist in the U.S. Army. I was out of school for just about an entire year for training across the country. Finally, most recently, I realized college is really expensive. While the Army pays for part of my schooling now, it does not deal with my previous student loans or other specific expenses moving forward. Being a first generation student whose parents have made it clear that I will achieve this by the sweat of my own brow, I had to take another semester off because I simply can't afford it. It is a good time to check in with my life, pay off some things, and assess the future.
This leads me to about where I am now- about a semester and a half away from a bachelor's degree that has been interrupted time and time again. What I was not anticipating is how much I have changed in the time between when I declared my major and now.
Between that time and now I have not only been through some hell and high water, but I have come out on the other side with a different world view, a honed passion for leadership, and new skills and experiences. I have done writing for magazines, journals, and websites on my life experiences. I developed new clerical and speaking skills in challenging civilian jobs, as well as new leadership and management skills as a now sergeant in the Army. I also did a few more pageants, continued modeling, and jumped back into competitive figure skating and other passions like becoming a certified diver.
All of these things have created, quite frankly, a different human being. The hardest parts about realizing I'm not passionate about my degree/ career choice anymore have been:
1) Realizing that that passion changed under my nose without much conscious acknowledgment because I was so busy, and 2) Knowing that that career goal is wonderful, worthy, and meaningful and therefore difficult to suddenly not feel driven towards.
The first part is simple enough. It is just difficult. I had become automatically, unthinkingly attached to (and sometimes identified by) that future career goal. While the ambition to change people's lives has not changed, the reality of the field in which I want to do that has changed. I have had to let go of a long-attached dream that helped me feel stable in my decisions when all of my peers were undecided. Essentially, I had to let go of the comfort that comes with being sure of a future path.
That second reason has bothered me extensively.Like I said, that career is in and of itself wonderful. I feel so guilty in not being driven towards it anymore. It feels like sudden betrayal of something about which there is nothing wrong. The reality is that it just isn't the right fit for me anymore.
So begins the journey of seeking out other possible career paths either within the same degree or perhaps outside of it. I still want to change people's lives, I still want to have some sort of involvement with veterans. For now I have settled for community service involving veterans.
I find great fulfillment and joy in leading teams as I have grown into in the last several years. I also adore sciences and research, and the academic side of science. The application of learned sciences in the real world though are proving to almost always be in environments or formats that I do not thrive in or enjoy at all. I love writing, speaking, advocacy, and complex social and political issues but do not wish to endeavor completely into journalism or politics.
I am, for lack of of better words, in limbo. I figure I am not the first or last person to have a struggle like this so I am throwing this story out there to let others know that, if they are like me, they are not alone in this weird situation. Likewise I wanted to share that career quizzes are actually very helpful, as cheesy or contrived as that might sound. So also are random internet articles about how degrees and jobs fields don't always line up:
Taking the road less traveled to medical school
https://www.thedp.com/article/2016/09/students-with-humanities-majors-and-pre-med
So in this awkward journey of disillusionment, and panic I am realizing that it will be necessary to do more soul searching and hard work to figure out what's next. I suppose it is also exciting to realize how wide open your future really can be though when you step outside of your comfort zone. If anybody has tips, insight, or experience in this realm please feel free to reach out to me. I am all ears and anxious to make more progress in this journey.
In the meantime, thanks for reading and thanks for continued support and feedback!
Until next post!
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