April of 2016 has brought drastic changes to my life and the lives of those around me. On the evening of the 7th I celebrated my 21st birthday with a joyous family. I sat on the receiving end of countless best wishes and exasperated statements of how the time has flown; how quickly I have grown up before my family's eyes. We enjoyed good food, banter, and drinks (although anybody that knows me knows that that was not plural for me...one martini was more than enough). I was more conscientious than ever before of how grateful I was to have everybody there in health and happiness. Even despite my lack of appeal to alcohol, no amount of martinis could have numbed the gutting sensation I got when dessert rolled around into a conversation I had long been anxious to instigate. Given, I should not have started the conversation while sitting next to my boyfriend of 5 years with an abrupt "So.....I wanted to talk about something while we are all here together...". As quickly as I had finished my sentence I felt everybody's eyes on us, followed by the loudest silence I'd ever experienced in my life. Clearly they were flooded with what might have been panic of an announcement far different from what I was about to explain. Suspicions shifted as my boyfriend looked expectantly at me as well, indicating to everybody else that we were not conspiring together. The atmosphere didn't subside even after I announced that I was strongly considering (basically ready to go) enlisting in the U.S. Army Reserves.
In an effort to dodge cascades of questions I hastily rattled off my thought process, pros and cons, understanding of the commitment, and assurance that I was still going to finish earning my degree. I was startled at how badly it hurt me to see my mother sit silently in shock. I could see the worry, confusion, and anger rolling through her in waves as she blinked furiously and said everything while saying nothing. It got worse when it became clear that my dad already knew. I had come to him several days earlier to ask him if he thought I was crazy, and sought his advice on how I should go about talking to everybody else about my plan. Although it had never been my intention, I had started a war in my own household by going to my dad first. Thinking only of his first hand experience in the Air Force and wanting to handle things gracefully, I didn't think it would make my mother feel alienated by asking my dad for quick input first. I ended up making everything harder. Although it is an entirely a different severity of surprise, we are talking about the same mother who ambushed me one morning and drove me to get my wisdom teeth removed without asking or telling me- surprise! The irony was only slightly comical to me, but I knew this was a different story. After listening for awhile my grandfather must have made the decision for himself that this was perfectly acceptable and pointed a finger at me with an excited "That sounds like a wonderful idea" and began telling us old stories of his time in the Air Force.
As I glanced back at my mother it gradually sunk in. I knew I was in for a hard sell all around. This decision was certainly a far cry from my history of teen pageants and modeling. It was from this perspective that I took every response with a grain of salt. Between friends, family, and coworkers I have received lots of discouragement. Some has been fair concern that I take in willingly, especially because there are plenty of concerns to be had. I have also been grateful to receive harsh but honest advice and information from those who have already served or are still currently serving. However, most of the discouragement has come from places of anger, misinformation, sexism, stereotypes, and who knows what else. Critics think little of the part of me that has been a life long athlete, a hiker of Colorado 14ers, a girl who grew up fishing, working on ranches, doing Tae Kwon Do, camping, and shooting rifles with my dad. None of these statements is a rallying cry to prove I am army strong. I am not. Yet. I have not yet worked for or earned that. My thought here is to wave my arms and make some noise about stereotypes. What bothers me is that this entire other side of me was being sold short. More accurately, my more "girly" activities were traded in as leverage to deem me less capable of, or not fit at all for a different path. Suddenly it was as if my only legitimate value had been placed in my most immediate image as a model, a girl, a teen pageant queen - not as a human with ambition.
If you know anything about my platform on the saying that "pretty is as pretty does" you know that I love peoples' abilities to live challenging, productive, multifaceted lives. I truly believe it is important to speak up about this; to encourage valuing others for their actions rather than praise how well they fit into the standards of a preset stereotype. If we don't look further we continue to allow stereotypes to cut off endless potential and incredible progress. This is dear to my heart and freshly caught on fire as of having been met with so much opposition and stereotyping in my decision to enlist. Therefore, I am making some noise now, NOT because I want to prove critics wrong, NOT because I have an agenda, NOT because I want credit and praise for doing so, but simply to use the decision that I would have made of my own free will anyway as an opportunity to speak out. The only hope that I have for this is that it might encourage others to live out their passions as well and walk right past the discouragement and stereotypes that would seek to stop them.
On April 13th, 2016 I could not have been more proud or excited to swear in as Private First Class Torres of the U.S. Army Reserve. I intend to be candid about my experiences as I continue to blog and live out my passions. This includes my honesty about very personal things. Nothing about breaking stereotypes, being yourself, or jumping out of comfort zones are easy, but it certainly helps when we can share with others and journey together. I am excited to feature lots of other wonderful people on my website soon that will continue to demonstrate living outside of the lines and beyond stereotypes.
With all the negative feedback I want to acknowledge that with so much discouragement has come even MORE encouragement and for that I am SO grateful. The countless people that are supportive should be a reminder for myself and anybody else that there are always those who believe in you. I cannot pretend that I have done anything to earn that support. I am simply blessed to have such selflessly gracious human beings in my life who are talented at lifting others up. Likewise I do not want to detract from the fact that some of the most important supporters in this have already been my brothers and sisters in my Army family that have reached out to affirm my decision; people who have already earned their uniform and rank while I have hardly begun. You deserve the utmost respect and gratitude.
I have begun my new path, and right now I am aware that I am in combat with myself. I have many hurdles to jump over and many goals to strive for, but none of them are unattainable. If anything is to get in my way it will be myself, not my family, not my critics, not stereotypes or judgments.
.
In an effort to dodge cascades of questions I hastily rattled off my thought process, pros and cons, understanding of the commitment, and assurance that I was still going to finish earning my degree. I was startled at how badly it hurt me to see my mother sit silently in shock. I could see the worry, confusion, and anger rolling through her in waves as she blinked furiously and said everything while saying nothing. It got worse when it became clear that my dad already knew. I had come to him several days earlier to ask him if he thought I was crazy, and sought his advice on how I should go about talking to everybody else about my plan. Although it had never been my intention, I had started a war in my own household by going to my dad first. Thinking only of his first hand experience in the Air Force and wanting to handle things gracefully, I didn't think it would make my mother feel alienated by asking my dad for quick input first. I ended up making everything harder. Although it is an entirely a different severity of surprise, we are talking about the same mother who ambushed me one morning and drove me to get my wisdom teeth removed without asking or telling me- surprise! The irony was only slightly comical to me, but I knew this was a different story. After listening for awhile my grandfather must have made the decision for himself that this was perfectly acceptable and pointed a finger at me with an excited "That sounds like a wonderful idea" and began telling us old stories of his time in the Air Force.
As I glanced back at my mother it gradually sunk in. I knew I was in for a hard sell all around. This decision was certainly a far cry from my history of teen pageants and modeling. It was from this perspective that I took every response with a grain of salt. Between friends, family, and coworkers I have received lots of discouragement. Some has been fair concern that I take in willingly, especially because there are plenty of concerns to be had. I have also been grateful to receive harsh but honest advice and information from those who have already served or are still currently serving. However, most of the discouragement has come from places of anger, misinformation, sexism, stereotypes, and who knows what else. Critics think little of the part of me that has been a life long athlete, a hiker of Colorado 14ers, a girl who grew up fishing, working on ranches, doing Tae Kwon Do, camping, and shooting rifles with my dad. None of these statements is a rallying cry to prove I am army strong. I am not. Yet. I have not yet worked for or earned that. My thought here is to wave my arms and make some noise about stereotypes. What bothers me is that this entire other side of me was being sold short. More accurately, my more "girly" activities were traded in as leverage to deem me less capable of, or not fit at all for a different path. Suddenly it was as if my only legitimate value had been placed in my most immediate image as a model, a girl, a teen pageant queen - not as a human with ambition.
If you know anything about my platform on the saying that "pretty is as pretty does" you know that I love peoples' abilities to live challenging, productive, multifaceted lives. I truly believe it is important to speak up about this; to encourage valuing others for their actions rather than praise how well they fit into the standards of a preset stereotype. If we don't look further we continue to allow stereotypes to cut off endless potential and incredible progress. This is dear to my heart and freshly caught on fire as of having been met with so much opposition and stereotyping in my decision to enlist. Therefore, I am making some noise now, NOT because I want to prove critics wrong, NOT because I have an agenda, NOT because I want credit and praise for doing so, but simply to use the decision that I would have made of my own free will anyway as an opportunity to speak out. The only hope that I have for this is that it might encourage others to live out their passions as well and walk right past the discouragement and stereotypes that would seek to stop them.
On April 13th, 2016 I could not have been more proud or excited to swear in as Private First Class Torres of the U.S. Army Reserve. I intend to be candid about my experiences as I continue to blog and live out my passions. This includes my honesty about very personal things. Nothing about breaking stereotypes, being yourself, or jumping out of comfort zones are easy, but it certainly helps when we can share with others and journey together. I am excited to feature lots of other wonderful people on my website soon that will continue to demonstrate living outside of the lines and beyond stereotypes.
With all the negative feedback I want to acknowledge that with so much discouragement has come even MORE encouragement and for that I am SO grateful. The countless people that are supportive should be a reminder for myself and anybody else that there are always those who believe in you. I cannot pretend that I have done anything to earn that support. I am simply blessed to have such selflessly gracious human beings in my life who are talented at lifting others up. Likewise I do not want to detract from the fact that some of the most important supporters in this have already been my brothers and sisters in my Army family that have reached out to affirm my decision; people who have already earned their uniform and rank while I have hardly begun. You deserve the utmost respect and gratitude.
I have begun my new path, and right now I am aware that I am in combat with myself. I have many hurdles to jump over and many goals to strive for, but none of them are unattainable. If anything is to get in my way it will be myself, not my family, not my critics, not stereotypes or judgments.
"If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?"
-Jeremiah 12:5
.
Comments
Post a Comment